I don’t really like reading my first blog post. Yes I was reluctant at the start but my reaction and first post is nothing short of a bit shit. If I knew then what I do now then. I wouldn’t have reacted in the way I did and used some incredibly crass language to start with.
I know now that I have a wonderful little daughter who I love very much. She makes me laugh daily with her antics. Even when being grumpy and completely trying, there will be a moment where you can’t help but smile.
She is growing up fast and looking back it is hard to pick out a defining memory. Much of it happens once and then it is the new normal, whether it was the first grabbing of your finger shortly after birth, her first smile, her first roll, crawl or steps, her first words, the first time she holds your hand, the time she calls you daddy. Then repeats it constantly ever since. The way she is excited to see you when you pick her up from Nursery, how she does a little dance when super excited, jumping on the spot. All of these stay with me in my mind.
I can’t imagine life without her and I can’t imagine not laying down mine to protect her. The world becomes a more scary place. There is so much she doesn’t know yet and you are her guardian in the world. Just guiding her to walk on the pavement, to not fall down the stairs are the scary things now. She can’t ride a bike yet, walk to school on her own, go out of a night, go on holiday, leave home!
It’s not all amazing, you can’t go out as much, spur of the moment isn’t a thing, everything needs planning to a degree. We have some great friends and family who have spent time with us and Sofia over the last year and made it really easy continue that friendship. We just need to get Sofia accepting of beards and ginger hair.
You get tired chasing her around all day, working and then picking her up. You often wish for one day where she decides to put her feet up, read a book and drink a baby chino. That’s not Sofia. She has not stopped moving since she shot out many months ago.
Luckily I have Em who is amazing and is always many steps ahead of me organisation wise. It’s hard to do something you’ve not thought of and has already been done. Then get told you are helping enough. I guess that’s why I love her amongst other things.
So I kind of want to say this as it’s important to me. I was completely reluctant but I am now so not reluctant. I would move the earth for my daughter. I want to make it a better place for her, to protect her from its bad side. I want her to grow up to be amazing and be the person she wants to be. In everything I will support her, she will be the first person I think of waking up and going to sleep.
If I could rename the blog I would now but it reminds me of a time when I had lost my way. I was definitely locked in a different world of doing my own thing. Somewhere that means little now. Hopefully in the short time she has been with us has made me a better person. I hope she grows up to think I was the best dad I can be. Nobody is ever perfect. We all have done things we didn’t intend but all of this makes us who we are today.