Never Thinking

Have I given a great deal of being dad? No, not really, more thinking of trying not to be a dad.  There are many good reasons not to be a dad, it costs money, it ruins your freedom – no late night partying and planning becomes a must, it ties you down – no travel to exotic places.  However, when it happens and to most people it does then you have to think how it won’t.  I thought I’d write this blog as we went through the pregnancy and beyond to share my experience knowing that I did for many years think I didn’t want to be in this situation, my age of nearly 40 shows this.

So where to start is where we are now, 20 weeks in, first scan done and about to find out the sex via our second scan.  It hardly feels real with Em not showing much yet.  She is starting to slow down, find sleep more uncomfortable and are watching more around what we eat and drink.  We have just come back from two weeks in the USA likely to be our last long trip away before the birth, due in August (we have a few weekends away planned but that is it – those 3 words scare me!).

It all started in late November with a pregnancy test in a envelope passed to me over dinner.  My reaction wasn’t great, she assumed it wouldn’t be but really it was the reaction of a child, long silence, no support, almost angry.  Although we’d stopped using any form of contraception a few months before, it didn’t really occur this would happen, eventually and definitely not this quick.  Many of our friends were struggling, going through IVF or taking a long time to conceive, however for us it happened quickly.  Initially in my mind this wasn’t a done deal.  It really didn’t seem real.  It took a while to settle down and accept it and decide let’s do this.  I don’t think we ever said it, didn’t shake on it but it just became part of life.  We had some conversations on whether to keep it but these were brief and were never serious, once it happens that is it.  For me it has actually been the better way for it all to happen.

If you talk to my friends, they’d all be surprised it happened.  I have always been a bit anti children.  I am not sure I can explain exactly why not.  Hassle is maybe a factor, I lead a busy work life, I have always been, in my head anyway, a bit of a nomad.  This is a polar opposite to what I actually am, I work 50 hrs a week in IT, have a house, a mortgage and haven’t moved in over 10 years.  Love the local town I live in to the point I have a photo blog on it.  However, there is another competing side which is one of wandering this great planet and to generally not be tied to it.  I run to be outdoors and explore, I love to travel the world and have been as far as China and South America.  It is a hassle free side of little planning and more exploring what you can find while away.   However it is best summed up by my 6th form yearbook which said i take each day as it comes.  Hard working but don’t like life planned out and this is the likely reason to my lack of wanting to be a dad.  It is also the reason the way it happened was the best way, unplanned, in part.

I, you can probably sum up my angst around it as #firstworldproblems.  However it is happening.  This is how it all unfolds.  I think for me the important thing i what happens next.  Writing this has actually made me think that what I am doing is far from unexpected but just the consequences of actions not thought through.

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